Friday, 14 August 2015

Making plans (day 5)


When I make plans, I imagine them in my head. I think we all do.
I visualise them, imagine how they will pan out, and all the possibilities that could happen.
What I will say, what the people around me will say, what I could say in response. The things we could do.
The possibilities are endless when the plan is still just a plan, they all exist simultaneously.

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The one possibility I don't account for is that they could be cancelled, and yet, when they are, it feels as if I always secretly knew that they weren't going to happen. All of a sudden it seems an impossibility that those plans would ever have taken place, and perhaps they never existed at all. That it was all in my head after all. It is like I am telling myself, 'I told you so.' It was just wishful thinking to imagine that they would come to fruition. Because all of those possibilities that were coexisting now will never be.

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The loss is bizarre, in that it almost feels embarrassing. Because I had imagined all of those possibilities, and as such was invested in it happening, even if I thought that I didn't care either way. And there is something awkward in that. I want it to seem as if it doesn't matter to me, I want it to not matter to me, because, most of the time, it really doesn't. But countering this is the thought that now I will never know which of those possibilities was going to become a reality. And that leaves behind a funny feeling of loss, embarrassment and vague confusion.

It is all a bit melancholic really.

ps. thanks to Madison for walking with me to take these photos. :)

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